I put too much pressure on myself for this blog. For some reason everything I write on here has to be some long form ramble-y blog entry. It’s almost like the having the freedom of a blog with no cut off point is in itself restricting. Like I feel that I have to attempt in some way to fill a page that just keeps on extending. In reality I end up with paragraphs and paragraphs of waffle. I can feel myself doing it now.
I write often as it is. I carry a journal with me everywhere I go, I write mostly in coffeeshops. Even if I limit myself to one sheet of A5 a day. Open, empty your thoughts, move on. I don’t realise how useful I find it until I find myself unravelling having gone days without dumping my thoughts onto a page. It’s less that it improves my mental health, more that it sustains it. I rarely feel dramatically better for having written, but I feel exponentially worse when I don’t.
I’m going to challenge myself to write on here more often, even if sometimes it may just be a carbon copy of something I’ve wrote in my journal.
How am I feeling lately? Strangely, I don’t know? Not being fully aware of how I feel is honestly quite alien to me. I don’t love it. Am I happy? I’m not happy, but I’m also not NOT happy. Am I sad? Not really. I feel quite lonely, but in reality I’m no more alone than before. Tuesday I nearly cried on the train home from Nottingham. My tear ducts felt like the slightest little thing would lead them to burst. For the life of me I couldn’t tell you why. I felt empty, but at the same time my chest felt heavy, as if the slump in my posture was caused by a heavy heart and not years spent hunched over playing video games. What I do know for sure is that I’m definitely in a funk. I have no idea what’s caused it, and I also don’t know what’ll drag me out of it. I’m doing all of my usual strategies, writing, light yoga, getting outside, phone friends… Still in a funk, not entirely sure what’s going on with me. I’m sure I’ll snap out of whatever this is eventually. What’s the alternative? -Shrug emoji-
This blog doesn’t have to have a point, an overarching theme, an anything… It doesn’t need to anymore.
– I wrote this in notes on my phone on the train to Nottingham, I haven’t proofread or formatted a god damn word. Enjoy? –
Change needs a better PR team. The marketing department has been doing a terrible job for way too long. Change when it’s forced upon you is, rightfully, a horrible experience. Getting fired, getting dumped, both – obviously – fucking suck. But not succumbing to change when it’s the right thing to do, sticking around for longer than you should, choosing the comfort zone over progress, staying in a relationship that doesn’t work for you, is a sure fire way to unhappiness. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, it’s difficult. Yes, it’s horrible uncomfortable at times. But what’s the alternative? Settling? We all have a friend in a relationship we KNOW isn’t happy. Who’s embraced the “comfortable” option of having the company of someone who is right enough for them. I’m not ok with that being that friend. Sure, change is scary. But if turning 80 and looking back at a life full of “what if” moments is the alternative, that’s fucking terrifying.
Lately I’ve been thinking about change a lot. I went down to London a few weeks ago and something switched in my mind. I need to do something different. Some part, almost every part of my life needs/needed a change. You shouldn’t actively compare your life with those of others, but sometimes the differences are so stark it’s impossible not to notice them. I’d become comfortable. Unfortunately comfortable and happy aren’t synonymous with one another, although it may seem it at times. While I was very happy with my job at the coffeeshop, I enjoyed my interactions with 90% of the customers, and I laughed with my colleagues, I wasn’t happy with the direction my life was heading. The lack of direction, I should say. I was stagnant. This post isn’t about work but a change in direction, for better or worse, feels very necessary.
When I look at myself, I feel like introspection is my greatest strength while also being without doubt the main cause of my own pain. I am, unfortunately at times, firmly tuned into my feelings. I take self reflection very seriously. “Today this happened, it made you feel this way – why? Why did/didn’t you react? Yesterday that didn’t affect you at all, but today it did. What’s different?” Some days I have all of the answers, other days my brain speaks German while my heart speaks Zulu. My gut normally refrains from interacting, only to pop up with an “I told you so” hours later. Bastard.
Last year I took a break from even considering dating or making new friendships. I took the year to unpack the clusterfuck that was the year before, and how that had affected me both positively and negatively. It wasn’t fun I won’t lie. We like to talk about looking at our flaws, our insecurities, the things we need to address. But actually putting in the work to dig and uncover the realities is rough. It’s not enough to say, “This kind of behaviour affects me. There we go, I know that now. Fixed.” Why does it? What’s the root? What’re you going to do about it going forward? How’re you going to provoke the change that means you‘ll be better prepared to cope in the future? That takes time. It’s not a fun conversation to have with yourself. If you asked my memories of 2021 are, I’d struggle to tell you. I went to London for a few days? I went to Barcelona for a week? I have maybe 3 photos of myself from the entire year. What happened in 2021? Very little – externally. What changed in 2021? My entire relationship with myself, that’s infinitely more important than anything i could post on Instagram. I say all of that to say that I finally feel like I can open myself up to the world again. I’m not saying that I’m in love, or in a relationship, or even dating anyone at the moment. But just having that feeling of being at ease with someone and that moment/thought of “yeah? I feel something. At the very least, I’m open to seeing where this leads.” was an unexpected but very welcome change.
I don’t want this to come across as if I’m high and mighty and have committed to change and I’m seamlessly transitioning into a better version of myself. Lord knows I’m not. Last week I set the goal of “Don’t swallow your feelings.” Let me tell you, I swallowed those feelings like I was dying of thirst and you offered me water. I got ahead of myself, and some went down the wrong way and I spluttered them back up. As feelings do when you try and push them down, they bring themselves to the surface again eventually. I failed that goal miserably – but that isn’t going to stop me continuing to work on it.
I’ve set a daily goal for everyday this month, todays was “to check in with your body, notice any changes” I was going to journal my thoughts later, but I’ll my share my metaphysical response here and see how my knee copes with a slow yoga flow later to check in physically. My feet definitely do not feel grounded. Throughout the day they have flirted with feeling like they’re levitating, and feeling as if the ground below me has the structural integrity of a bowl of jelly. A little bit all over the place. My gut decided it wanted to bring an argument to table with my brain earlier, which was unexpected, conflicting, and made me question my previous thoughts. After a conversation whilst driving I realised that that’s ok. I had previously done what I’d felt was right, I’d acted truthfully, with new circumstances, come new feelings. There’s nothing wrong with that. My heart is full. The way it should be. If it starts overflowing, I need to do more for others. Throughout all of this the weight on my shoulders feels relatively light, these thoughts aren’t as overbearing as sometimes they may seem. Ultimately, I’m in control. My mind is taking its time. Pasito a pasito. Everything isn’t make or break. Stop trying to compete. This is a one player game, you keep trying to make it you vs you instead of you experiencing life. My mouth is zipped shut. I suspect the zip might be broken though, soon it might be time to break it open and give life to instinct. My ears are the opposite, wide open. I’m not great at reading signs, I need to hear them clearly. Open to possibilities, while simultaneously being firmly planted in España. I’ve been listening to almost exclusively Spanish music lately. Some days it lifts my soul, other days I feel like it screams the reality of Brexit and songs about dancing and fucking literally bring me to tears – not ideal.
Every change is an opportunity for better. Every challenge a potential adventure. Change is essential. It’s inevitable, whether you like it or not you’re inability to change is changing your potential reality. In the same way that in indecision, is still a decision. Live life, or let life direct you. Either way, change is all around you. Why not choose the path yourself occasionally?
Let's go on an adventure. 