1. I fucking hate that song.
But I guess it kinda fits what I want to write about. I’ve been thinking a lot recently about where I want to go in life, which inevitably brings about reflecting on the past. For better or for worse, that’s what’s been on my mind lately. Reflection can be an amazing tool. A great way to grow yourself as a person, as well as a way to evaluate who you actually are. It sounds great, but that’s not to say it’s not painful at times.
Especially when you’ve fucked up as often as I have.
You probably haven’t noticed, but in the last week or so I’ve deleted every single post I’d ever uploaded to Facebook going all the way back to 2009. In doing so, I was able to read through blogs that have long been dead and buried – which thankfully will never see the light of day again.
I particularly looked at how my relationships with people have came and went over the years. It was interesting, but strangely difficult. Maybe because I’m not ok with how some of them ended. Maybe because they were my fault – some definitely were. Maybe because I’m not “over” situations I thought I definitely was. Maybe just because at the moment I feel really alone. Maybe I just need to stop reading love poetry. I guess, I’m at a point in my life where everyone has either “moved on” or is in the process of doing so, while I feel like I’m stuck on a treadmill. I feel like I’ve stagnated as a person.
Where’s the growth lately? Looking back over the years I placed myself back in times where I had no idea I was going to live in 3 different countries in 2 years. A time when I was all but clinically depressed. Times were by comparison I was on cloud 9. I guess that’s the problem with social media, you only see the extremities of the social condition. The highest highs and, if like me you choose to document, your lowest lows. You don’t get to see the weeks of gradual change, the ok and the mediocre.
I realise that this post is all over the place. I’d say I’m sorry to you, the reader, but I’m not. It’s a fairly accurate display of my thoughts right now.
Back to my point.
Relationships. In a more general sense, I find it hard to let people in. Like, really in. Mainly because I don’t want to let them in. I don’t feel the need. I have friends who, in reality, know next to nothing about me. Friends that I see everyday. Friends that I talk to everyday who know practically nothing about me. This, as you can imagine, makes forming an actual relationship rather difficult. Again, because 99.9% of the time I absolutely do not want to be in one.
I guess, because now I’m at a point in life where traditionally people would start to settle down the pressure(for lack of a better term) feels more… real? I’ve always been content with being single. I’m happy alone. But I think now, it’s almost like another “Well, what’re you going to do with your life?” Situation. It feels like pressure. To put it another way, if I went home and told my parents I’ve got a girlfriend and she’s pregnant they would say “congratulations!” rather than “Jesus Christ, Jamie. What the fuck have you done.” Nowadays I guess the “have you got a girlfriend?” question, is more leading than inquisitive.
But ooooooh that pesky 0.1%. Oooooooh that negativity. The thoughts of the past. The worries for the future. The feeling of being lost. The best relationships I’ve been in, all of which have obviously ended, haven’t been forced. I didn’t actively look for any of them. I some how found myself in them. So I guess, that’s how I’m gonna go forward: continue bundling my way through everyday life. Let’s see if I find a career path, a relationship, or a sense of purpose.
Love,
Flynn!
X
(P.S. Mum, if you’re reading this. I’m not depressed. I’m just very, very, bored of uni. Love ya xoxo)
Let's go on an adventure. 