2am, I’m wide awake. Typical.
I’m laid in my bed, I’ve been here for the best part of about 4 hours. I should be stressing about my exam on Tuesday that I’m in no way prepared for… But I’m not. I’m laid here evaluating my life. I know, risky. Usually my existential crisis goes 1 of 2 ways.
1. OH MY GOD. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN I GRADUATE?!
2. OH MY GOD. HOW AM I EVEN GOING TO GRADUATE!?
Tonight, it’s a little different. I’m not the biggest fan of looking backwards. The past is gone, it’s over, move on. But tonight that’s exactly what I’m doing.
I’m thinking of all the people I have in my life, and those I don’t have anymore. I don’t mean the people that’ve died – I mean the people who, for one reason or another, are no longer a staple of my everyday life although they used to be. People I’d speak to everyday. People I’d see everyday. I’ll be honest, I’m not much of a people person. Hell, some of my friends have labelled me a sociopath. I’m terrible at keeping in touch with people. Really, really, really fucking terrible. It’s not because I don’t want to be in contact with these people… it’s because… Well, I don’t really know why it is. I guess I’m just not good at it?
Some people just sort of fizzled out of my life. Maybe I met them somewhere abroad, then we didn’t keep in touch. Maybe it was just circumstance that kept us together at the time. Maybe it was because I moved away. Maybe something major happened, maybe some feelings got hurt. Maybe because of a mixture of things.
All of this is totally normal, this isn’t some deep and profound blog post. All of you reading this have lost contact with someone at some point. It’s not unusual (I’m fighting every urge to not quote Tom Jones.) But these people definitely still pop up in my head from time to time. Hell, probably more often than I’d care to admit. I guess this is a part of getting older. People have started to have a much bigger impact on my life in the past few years, and yet those people seem to fade out. I find myself reminiscing on “the good old days.” That’s not to say the people who remain in my life aren’t impactful, of course they are. I guess I just prefer to dwell on the loss rather than the victory.
I don’t really know what direction I was hoping this blog post would go in. Like most aspects of my life, I didn’t really have a plan. But I guess, if I can convey anything it would be this.
Dear if the shoe fits, wear it,
I’m sorry we lost touch. I’m sorry I’m not better at replying to text messages. If you feel like it was your fault, I’m almost certainly partly/mostly to blame. I hope you’re well, I hope whatever it is you’re doing makes you happy. On the off chance you ever get the desire to send a “hey!” Just know I’d love to send one right back at you.
All the best/ciao/adiós/au revoir,
Life’s best shared. Even if it’s tougher that way.
Love,
Flynn! X
Let's go on an adventure. 