Well, it’s the third of January. I was planning to write an end of year post on the twenty third of December – That went well! I was planning to write a new year post on the thirty first of December – Also a raving success! At least I’m the same horribly underprepared person I’ve always been. New year, new… New? Nothing? New nothing. That works. Same old Flynn. I like that.
So what am I going to write about?
Year long reflection is impossible. My memories of the last year skew depending on my mood and who I’m talking to. Last year was amazing, but also terrible. I both grew and regressed as a person. I made some decisions I’m proud of, and some I hope to never make again. I met people I hope to keep in my life forever, and some I’ll happily leave in 2016. I guess what I’m getting at is, 2016 wasn’t the horrible year the media – and memes – would have you believe. For me at least.
Set goals for this year? HA! I couldn’t stick to objectives if I set them for tomorrow. Nope. No “news years resolutions.” There are some things I want to do this year, of course, but they’re not really resolutions? I want to visit Portugal, Italy and Denmark. Will I get to any of these places? Who knows, hardly monumental resolutions either way.
Lets just ramble.
Since I’ve been at home I’ve felt pretty alone. Scratch that. Alone. Last year was so hectic, that I rarely felt alone in the way I feel it now. A few days ago I was clearing out my room, and I found my moleskin diary that has 12 months worth of drama sporadically scribbled in Sharpie. I sat and read it for a while. Wow. Clusterfuck. A lot of the entries had similar themes. January, March, May, and December were all pretty similar. I’m a cyclic kind of person. I understand that’s not a word (is it? In this sense? I don’t know.) I guess I’m kinda “mood swing-y” Again, not a word. But I feel like you get the gist. Before I continue, lets clear something up. I like to be alone, I actively enjoy being by myself. That isn’t a problem whatsoever. I don’t like to feel alone. There’s a huge difference. Right now I’m both. I am by myself, and I feel like I’m by myself. Alone and with little to do is a dangerous combination. It leads to me overthinking, wasting time, and wasting money. I don’t know which of the 3 is worse to be honest.
My friend pointed something out to me a few days ago which I hadn’t realised before. We were talking about life and dealing with certain scenarios. At this point in time, she knows me better than anyone. She knows the most honest version of the last 12 months. I’m not adversed to bending the truth a little bit – Don’t judge me, you ALL do it. I said the phrase “I’m literally over it, it’s handled. Everything is ok.” To which she started laughing. Now, I know I’m mildly funny sometimes. But this wasn’t one of those occasions. Apparently, every time I’ve ever used the word “literally” in this context I’ve absolutely never meant it. I’m, literally, absolutely not over it. Example after example, she cited off the times I’ve said this in the last 12 months and not even slightly meant it. She was 100% right. This was news to me.
Maybe I’m not “literally” over it. Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself that I am.
I’m undeniably a different person than the guy who started 2016. A better person? I don’t know to be honest. Professionally? Exponentially better. Absolutely more confident. Absolutely better prepared. More qualified. More experienced. Great. But personally? Am I better now than I was? I don’t know. 2016 has definitely taken me in a direction I never thought I’d go in. My character has been sculpted in ways I didn’t expect. Some things have been added that I definitely want to chisel away at in 2017.
Experience is the greatest teacher. Things I said I believed at the start of 2016 were merely ideas. They sounded nice. They sounded like things I should believe. Now, I don’t think you can truly believe something until that thing has been tested to some effect. Jeez have I been tested these past 12 months. My belief system has definitely changed. Maybe my moral compass was off-axis, maybe I’ve corrected it. Maybe it was dead on point, maybe I’ve taken it off track. I don’t know. Whatever has happened, my reality has shaped my new beliefs whether that’s for better or worse it’s no longer an ideological shaped belief system, it’s based on personal experience. That’s an improvement, right?
I’ve been challenged, and I’ve came out the other side alive. Overall I’m better for having gone through it all, I think.
I guess, if this year has taught me anything at all. It’s something incredibly simple something I’ve pretty much known all along.
Just go for it.
Yeah, sometimes you’ll lose. Hell, more times than not you’ll probably lose – or it’ll seem that way in hindsight. But what you gain along the way is worth it. That’s life. Maybe you’ll get hurt, a lot. But you’ll get back up. You always do. What other choice do you have?
Sure, you’ll have days where you lie in bed wishing the sun wouldn’t rise again tomorrow. You’ll gaze at Netflix until you forget what day it is. You’ll bathe in self loathing until your skin resembles that of a raisin. But one day, you’ll snap out of it. The gravity in your room will be great enough to lift that lead balloon lump in your throat… And you’ll fly. It won’t be easy, but the winds of change are all around you, don’t fight the breeze.
You’ll never be happy all of the time. Never. Embrace the times when you are. Embrace the joy, embrace the simplicity of life. You’ve got to climb the mountain to see the view from the top. You may as well make the most of it once you get there.
The times I’ve been happiest this year have been followed by a very real sadness. That’s always going to be the case. The bad has to keep the good in check, the opposite is also true. You can’t truly know one without the other.
I don’t regret any of the experiences I’ve had this year, maybe I’d do things differently if I had another chance. The days and nights I’ve spent in tears were both preceded and followed by very real elation. The outbursts of anger, the sentiments of betrayal, the loneliness, all worth it for the serenity, the peace of mind and the pure joy I’ve experienced in the last 12 months.
Life’s a wild ride. Don’t brace yourself for the shock, let it hit you. Absorb every moment. Don’t shy away from your emotions. Feel the purity of what you feel, even if others don’t feel the same.
If it’s real to you, it’s real.
Just fucking go for it.
Love,
Flynn. x
Let's go on an adventure. 