Who are you? Writing bios or online profiles, or pretty much anything about myself , I struggle. A lot. I know myself fairly well, but I feel I never adequately sum myself up. So instead of actually trying, I paper over it with some quote or vague but true statement.
“Home isn’t a destination, it’s a feeling.” – True, but not really a bio.
“A phone, a wallet and a passport. Everything else is optional. Travel more.’ – As above.
“Jay! ✌️🏻 I study languages and write stuff. 🇬🇧🇪🇸🇫🇷 ” – Oooo, insightful! Thanks for sharing your NAME. Tell me more!
I remember one of my good friends did a study on personal identity, and how the person we actual are, the person we want to be, and the person we are online correlate with one another. It’s been on my mind these past few months, who am I? Who do I want to be? Who do I portray myself to be? Mostly because lately I’ve met a lot of new people. So I wonder how they’ve perceived me. I’ve always found meeting new people difficult. I’m socially awkward in large groups. So being launched into a new work environment, in a new country, with a large number of new people and having to make friends is pretty much enough to send my social anxiety into a frenzy. However, I coped. In my old age I must admit I’m getting better at dealing with bigger groups of people. I play my position, sit back and observe, chip in when you feel comfortable. Do. Not. Force. It.
Meeting so many new people it can be hard to tell who is actually who they portray, and who is playing a role. It takes time. When I was younger, I was 100% uncomfortable being myself. I identified as whoever other people wanted me to be. My personality depended on who I surrounded myself with, or rather, who I clung to. Having been this social chameleon in the past, I like to think I’m pretty adept to spotting a sheep in wolves clothing. Lately I’ve been in a lot of environments I wasn’t comfortable being in. I knew some people. But I was often in rooms with people I’d never met, or spoken to. I made snap judgements based on the little time we spent together. You’re a prick, you’re playing the game, you’re genuine, people just don’t get you, yet. The whole spectrum. Regardless of the opinions I formed about the people it was interesting to see how people share themselves when they’re alone with you compared to the person they paint themselves to be in front of an audience. How honest or dishonest they were depending on the scenario. I saw a lot of my younger self.
“my younger self” – Pfft. I sound like I’m 23 going on 94. Christ.
For the most part, I liked everyone I met. This blog has nothing to do with anyone in specific. Don’t read it that from that perspective. Don’t go thinking “Oooooo who does Flynn not like? Why!? DRAMA!!!” It’s not that deep. This blog has everything to do with honesty. Honesty I value more than anything in the world. Which is completely hypocritical because I know I’m not 100% honest, 100% of the time. But I try, honestly. I need honesty in my life. I need brutal honesty, the type that’s hard to dish out but most important. My best friends in this world are people who without a second thought will say “Flynn, you’re wrong. You’re being an absolute moron and you know it.” They won’t hesitate for even a second to tear me down from any pedestal I’ve accidentally stumbled upon. I love them for that.
Being honest is hard. I’ve always believed honesty is the best policy, it is. But it’s not always the easiest route to go down. It’s difficult to be honest to people you care about if you know it will hurt them. But sometimes it needs to be done. The lie will always hurt more when it comes out. Always. But that’s not the point. I’m not talking about being honest with other people, I’m talking about being honest with yourself. It’s difficult to find the courage to say, “Hey, this is who I am. This is the only person I am. Deal with it.” Some people may never do it. I think I finally have. It was hard initially, I lost a lot of people in my life who ,to be honest, didn’t need to be in my life. I just didn’t know that at the time. But I found that once I got to that point, my life improved dramatically. I’m not the person I played in high school, I’m not trying to fit in. I’m not a social chameleon anymore. I’m me, I am who I am for better or worse. If that’s not ok for some people, that’s cool. I dance around when I feel like it, I make terrible jokes because I like them, I dress however feels right that day. I’ve always been a little bit different, a little bit weird some said. Gradually I got more and more okay with being weird, being different. It made me, me. I like weird shoes, my jeans are probably way too skinny for a 23 year old male, I like rap battles but I also LOVE love poetry. I like people but I hate people. I’m sociable in the most anti-social way. I like going to parties, so I can sit in the corner and play music and barely talk to anyone. I dance around like I’m the only person in the room, because at this point; to me, I am. I’m ME. I feel like I’m being true to myself. At the end of the day, that’s the only person I have to answer to. Ask yourself, who are you catering to? Yourself? Or the Crowd?
Love, Flynn. x
Let's go on an adventure. 